Yesterday I made sure my gym membership is cancelled after the month of July. Today I met with my employers to notify them of our move. It is all feeling real now! To borrow my mom-in-law’s phrase, I feel like I swallowed a button. It’s a mixture of nervousness, fear, excitement, and adrenaline. It is unsettling!
My anxiety got me thinking. It’s funny how when it was just me and God making a decision, it was easy for me to pull the trigger. When I decided to move to Florida seven years ago, I was calm, cool and collected. When I heard the gospel preached, I decided to make Jesus Lord of my life and be baptized – and I did that same day. When I decided to marry Ben, I was 100% sure. I didn’t flinch on any of these decisions. Once I made my choice, there was no anxiety for me. So what happened? Why am I so keyed up?
Well, if you know both Ben and me, you probably know who is in the driver’s seat in our marriage (Ben!) You also know that Ben is not driving wherever he pleases – he is following Jesus’ direction. I guess that makes me third in command, or … the backseat driver? 🙂 Anyway, I think my new-found swallowed a button feeling comes from a lack of perceived control over my circumstances. I have so little control over what will happen, it’s not even funny. Mostly, I am afraid something will happen and we will not be able to go (I know that’s silly, but so much is riding on this now!) I think God may be laughing at me a little bit. I am almost laughing at myself! This is just what I needed. A little humble pie! A little dose of reality. Who is really in control? It certainly isn’t me.